saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
