I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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