Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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