Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
