I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
