Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
