i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
