Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
