how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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