I met the friendliest cop last night
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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