I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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