he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
