I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
