dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
