he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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