who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you didnt know i had herpes?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
