mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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