Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
