Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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