we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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