pop tarts are not kleenex
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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