he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
