I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
