You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
even my farts smell like vagina
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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