i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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