My friends, they love my intelligence
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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