I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
