Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
