I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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