Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
