I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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