in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
