So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize