this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
