I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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