9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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