i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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