When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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