This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The struggles of a small town man whore
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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