watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
