I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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