You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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