Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
