I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
