I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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