my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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