they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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