When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
