just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
