Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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