I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
