just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
