I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize