You just made me feel so damn special
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
