bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
