either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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