you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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