My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Who died my cat blue again?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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