we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
bring money and cleavage
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize