You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She just used a chaser for red wine.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
