I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
