My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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