The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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